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Hero Wanted – Apply Within

Posted on 25th February 2011 in children/ clown/ dating/ wish list

As I have now been single for 3 whole weeks, the evil twins (they aren’t twins) have decided that I should find a new man as soon as possible.

I asked them why so soon and they said:

C&T: “Not being funny but you don’t want to end up like nanny.”

Me: “Oh I don’t think nanny is lonely”

C&T: “Er, trust us, that’s not what we meant.”

So, moving swiftly on, I asked them what sort of man they thought I should go for. They quite surprised me with the following list:

1. Not shouty.

2. Kind.

3. Likes playing games.

4. Be handsome.

5. Be fun. Sometimes silly but can be sensible too.

6. Maisy must like him.

7. Have a cool job. Examples given were: footballer; wrestler; NOT a clown*

8. Not smoke.

9. Not swear.

10. Not be bald.

11. Be taller than me.

12. Be kind.

13. Be loose not tight.

14. Not be allergic to cats.

15. Not be a clown*

16. Be good at drawing.

17. Be a billionaire.

18. Be cleverer than me – they added that wouldn’t be hard.

19. Be a maker.

20. Want to help them with stuff.

21. Live locally.

22. Make me happy.

DS2 then asked where I would find this man.

The night I told them that DH and I were separating DS2 said “Back on the old dating site then girl.” I laughed and said that I wouldn’t be going on a dating site, so DS2 said “just gonna hang out in some pubs then yeh?”

As we walked back to the car, for every man that we past, DS2 nudged me and said “Huh, how about him?” I said that I couldn’t just go up to a stranger and say hello, but he had a solution for that too. He said “You don’t say hello, you say: hey, got the rest of your life free to spend with me?”

Want to apply? Just fill in the ‘boyfriend application form‘ as found by the lovely @KayAndHerBoys 😉

*I think it’s worth pointing out that we had this conversation in a restaurant called Clowns, in which the walls are plastered with photos of clowns and circus memorabilia!

O is for… Online Dating tips

Posted on 15th May 2010 in adultery/ Blog/ dating/ dating tips/ girls date for free/ lies/ loopy love/ match.com/ online dating/ self esteem

I can resist no longer! There is so much talk of online dating on twitter that I feel compelled to share some of my experiences, which may or may not be helpful, in the style of online dating tips!

I have to say that I personally enjoyed online dating. And like most things in life, it is what you make it. When I was doing it, 3 of my female friends were too – which threw up some interesting twists!

I’ve just had a quick look on a site www.loopylove.com and it would seem the search criteria has changed a little since I did online dating – there are a couple of questions that I don’t remember being there.

For example: Endowed =   a) small   b) average   c) average+   d) bull elephant.

However, this question does lead me nicely into tip 1.

Tip 1) Watch out for obvious lies….

The most common lie that I encountered was height. I’m 5ft4 so not an especially tall girly but even so a lot of men felt compelled to add on a couple of extra inches – to their height. Don’t do it guys, it soon becomes pretty darn obvious when we meet you that you aren’t 6ft!

This applies to women too – if you aren’t a size 10 don’t say that you are! and don’t use a photo that is 10 years old…

Tip 2) Sadly, watch out for married men/women…

When I say married, I am including anyone already in a relationship. This is pretty easy to spot as you will notice a pattern to when they can/cannot contact you. There will be lots of questions that they will be very vague about – their last relationship/where they work/live, their surname, home phone number etc.

Tip 3) Be honest (at least with yourself) about what you are looking for…

Do you want a long term relationship, possibly marriage? Do you just want a few online conversations, with no intention of ever meeting up? Do you want a few elicit bunk ups (for want of a better expression)?

I had one friend who claimed to be looking for love, but very quickly made her way through a vast amount of one night stands. I had another friend who wasn’t really sure what she was looking for and therefore ended up meeting up with everyone who asked whether suitable or not.

Tip 4) Don’t take it too seriously…

This is easier said than done. Much like twitter, online dating can quickly become addictive and before you know it you are obsessed with how many ‘views’ you’ve had, or whether the guy you like the look of has been online but not contacted you – I mean, exactly who is he talking to?! Don’t prioritise online dating above meeting your friends/family, don’t get up early to ‘check’, don’t be tempted to pop online when the boss isn’t looking…

Tip 5) Don’t rush…

Don’t rush to meet up. If someone is pushing you to meet up then you have to ask yourself why. When I was dating I had to fit it around my children, my friends and my job. So if I met a guy online it could be weeks before I had a chance to meet up. If I liked someone then that could mean several weeks of exchanging messages, photo’s, maybe texts or phone calls before an opportunity to meet came about. If a guy wasn’t happy to do that, then good riddance because my life does have children, friends and a job in it!

Tip 6) Don’t dawdle…

Contrary Mary that I am – don’t take TOO long to meet up with someone! It is hideously embarrassing to have exchanged 15/20 emails, 50 texts, 5 phone calls with someone, all with increasing affection – only to meet them and go EWWWW NO! I had one such date, met the guy, knew instantly that a) he was 4 inches shorter than he’d said and b) that I didn’t fancy him at all, and wouldn’t in a million years. A very uncomfortable date – which I had to follow with a very uncomfortable text later on saying ‘I just didn’t feel any chemistry’ which was my way of saying – ‘I really wouldn’t touch you with a barge pole’.

Tip 7) Don’t jump with both feet…

You might think he’s THE ONE. He might think you are ok for a few dates… Don’t become a stalker – if he wants to contact you, he will. So, if he doesn’t that is sadly because he doesn’t want to. It isn’t rocket science.

Tip 8 ) R.E.S.P.E.C.T…

Respect yourself. First and foremost. Don’t do anything that you don’t want to.

Secondly, respect others – 99% of the people you encounter are genuine, insecure and probably feeling a bit vulnerable. Just because someone might not be what you are looking for doesn’t mean you have to be offensive.

Don’t get drawn into trashy conversations – there are some people who abuse the online dating sites, use them in place of other ‘adult’ services. Do you seriously think that someone who rings you/web cams you for ‘adult’ conversations is going to want to have a long term relationship with you? If on the other hand that is all you are looking for – be honest about it and register on one of the sites that specialises in that sort of thing – leave the genuine dating sites to the people who genuinely want to date.

Do not compromise on your values and who you are. Don’t pretend to either like or dislike something to try and keep someones attention. It is a complete waste of time and will make you look a bit weird when they find out!

Tip 9) Time and place…

If you have children, you should indicate it on your profile. A subtle tick box. Don’t go on and on about them in your ‘about me’. Three reasons for this. One – you are looking for a partner for YOU, so you need to tell people about YOU, at the end of the day if you think someone is amazing and a possible future partner then they will be right for your children too – otherwise you wouldn’t have chosen them. Two – you will probably put people off, you don’t want to give someone the impression that you are just looking for a father for your children. Three – sorry about this, but if you bang on about your children in your profile you do leave yourself open to being attractive to the wrong kind of person, for the wrong kind of reason.

Tip 10) Use your loaf…

If you are speaking to a guy/girl who left their wife/husband – do you really want to get involved? If you are talking to a guy who doesn’t see his kids – er, why? Don’t ignore the bleeding obvious!

TOP TIP – Have fun… 8)

Enjoy it. If it stops being fun, stop doing it!

….and finally – be safe – always tell someone who you are meeting and where you are meeting. Meet in a public place if possible. Ladies, don’t give out your home address/kids names/school etc before you’ve met someone a couple of times and are sure that they are ok. Have a friend agree to call or text you after 10 minutes – if you aren’t happy get them to come and pick you up!


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