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funnies

Flying 101 with Kulula Airlines

Posted on 11th June 2012 in Funnies

I’ve received an email today with details of Kulula Airlines and have to share it for the humour alone! As far as I am aware these pictures and quotes are all real. I love the notes on the side of the plane! Although I do worry that the humour from the last pic would be somewhat lost if there were ever a crash!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Kulula is an Airline with head office situated in Johannesburg . Kulula airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight “safety lecture” and announcements a bit more entertaining.

Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

On a Kulula flight, (there is no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced,

“People, people we’re not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it !”

–o0o– 

On another flight with a very “senior” flight attendant crew, the pilot said,

“Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants.”

–o0o–  

On landing, the stewardess said,

“Please be sure to take all of your belongings.. If you’re going to leave anything, please make sure it ‘s something we’d like to have.”

–o0o– 

“There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane.”

–o0o–

“Thank you for flying Kulula. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.”

–o0o–

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Durban Airport , a lone voice came over the loudspeaker:

“Whoa, big fella. WHOA!”

–o0o– 

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in the Karoo, a flight attendant on a flight announced, “Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted.”

–o0o— 

From a Kulula employee:

“Welcome aboard Kulula 271 to Port Elizabeth . To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised.”

–o0o—

“In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite.”

–o0o–

“Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Kulula Airlines.”

–o0o–

“Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.”

–o0o–

“As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants.. Please do not leave children or spouses..”

–o0o–

And from the pilot during his welcome message:

“Kulula Airlines is pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!”

–o0o– 

Heard on Kulula 255 just after a very hard landing in Cape Town : The flight attendant came on the intercom and said,

“That was quite a bump and I know what y’all are thinking. I’m here to tell you it wasn’t the airline’s fault, it wasn’t the pilot’s fault, it wasn’t the flight attendant’s fault, it was the asphalt.”

–o0o– 

Overheard on a Kulula flight into Cape Town , on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain really had to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said,

“Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to The Mother City. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what’s left of our airplane to the gate!”

–o0o– 

Another flight attendant’s comment on a less than perfect landing: “We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.”

–o0o– 

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a “Thanks for flying our airline”. He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said,

“Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?”

“Why, no Ma’am,” said the pilot. “What is it ?”

The little old lady said,

“Did we land, or were we shot down?”

–o0o– 

After a real crusher of a landing in Johannesburg, the attendant came on with,

“Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal..”

–o0o– 

Part of a flight attendant’s arrival announcement:

“We’d like to thank you folks for flying with us today.. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you’ll think of Kulula Airways.”

–o0o– 

Heard on a Kulula flight:

“Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing.. If you can light ’em, you can smoke ’em.”

 

Men Who Lack Female Supervision…

Posted on 28th April 2012 in Funnies

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Then there are guys who decide to find themselves a date… This singles ad is reported to have been listed in the Cornish Guardian:

 

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I’m a very good girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I’ll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me..Call 01272-6420 and ask for Annie, I’ll be waiting…..


Over 150 men found themselves talking to the TruroRSPCA :)


 

Things Kids Say

Posted on 26th July 2011 in Funnies/ kids

My boys have come out with some strange ideas over the years. Always so logical when you sit and think about them, mostly everyday things which we just take the meanings of for granted. Children have minds that are free of logistics so their thoughts are often quite enlightening.

DS1 says he always thought that women had HAMbags….. and could never understand why.

DS2 says he was nervous the first time we moved house as he thought that men would literally come and pick up the house and carry it to a new position.

Then there are the mispronounced words. We tend not to correct them to start with as it’s cute and we want other people to hear it. Then suddenly they become too old for it to be cute – people may think they aren’t bright…..

DS2 had a tobogganing party at the weekend – except that he told everyone it was ‘tabogolling’.

I was on holiday a few years ago and there was a young Irish girl in the shallow part of the pool. She had arm bands on and was laying on the stomach, I creased up laughing when she suddenly yelled “Mammy, mammy I’m a mermlaid”.

When I was a child I used to think that the radio station broadcast songs as they were played, so in my head every time a song finished that band would then pack up and leave and a new one would set up to play their song! Made it much more exciting thinking every song was live…..

They are also free from social embarrassment. I remember being in Tesco with DS1 in the trolley seat when suddenly he started loudly saying “Brummmm Brummmmm BRUMMM!” when I looked round there was a guy behind me in a wheel chair.

Then there is that first occasion when you walk towards a man with a giant beard, or a very fat person, or anyone who is in anyway different to ‘the norm’, you clutch your child’s hand tighter and try to talk cheerily in a much louder than normal voice in the hope that you’ll get passed them without a very loud “Mummy, why has…..?”

What gems have yours come out with?

More Funnies

Posted on 13th June 2011 in all about the angle

Following on from my earlier post, imaginatively entitled Funnies, I now bring you more funnies!

a couple of rude ones follow, sorry @DrewParky *looks ashamed*

and my personal favourite…

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